ONCE I LOVED HELEN

Helen works in a garments company. I am a bus conductor. we live in the same slum area. We are directly in happiness and sorrow both of us for our living side by side residence. But we never talked each other in respect of our context of lives. This is because Helen is married and me also. Though Helen does not say anything about her yet I am aware of her life from the discussion of others. The family of Helen lives in the village. The family faces scarcity with a number of her brothers and sisters. Out of this situation she comes to Dhaka for want of an employment. An employment is also arranged in a garments company. Days passed. Jamal Bhai came into contact with her as a result of work together. Thereafter marriage and leading a family life. She was good in education. She is SSC in science group. I respect her for this, but remain in far. She does not know anything about this.

My story of life is not very enchanting. I was a street boy, became introduced with senior and after some time a bus conductor. I have no mention-able relation of my own in this world. A distant relation aunt I have and she comes to me sometimes. I don’t know actual relation of my father and mother. Many men tell many things about them. I hear and pass away from my mind. After introduction with Malatilata we were for some days in attachment, then a very simple arrangement of marriage and more to it very simple domestic life.

On the day of my duty I moved out from my living place in the early morning. When I return then it becomes deep night. Then only one person remains sitting in front of the door and she is Helen. I know she remains sitting for none, not to tell about me. She does not sleep well. She remains sitting alone under the open sky upto deep of the night. When she goes then she heaved big breathe. All the achievements and no achievements of life mixes with this deep breathe and the distress goes to the air. I wish much to ask about this, but I can never do it. If my wife knows then there will be disaster.

The way I lived my early life was not was not helpful to be good. But in spite of my last endeavor I could not be a bad boy. I started smoking, but for piercing in the throat I left it. I started drinking, but did not feel well. In my line many of us take heroine to forget the lapse of life. I had no such sorrow. I was not able to find the reason to take heroine. At last without any valid reason I remained a good boy. Of course there was no meaning of remaining such good boy. No charm remains in life. Life without any diversity sometimes appears to be a grey color camel without fur. I saw the dream of colorful life, like anything light and colorful. Very smooth and fine.

It is about two months that I came here. I have not talked with Helen yet. It needs some reason to talk. There was no such reason. I am not habituated to talk shamelessly without reason, not even so shameless to find a reason anyway. So I had no talk yet with Helen. But a very deep hope sometimes moves me. Some day will come when I shall talk with her. Men live with hope.

After hard work throughout the day I come to residence, get fresh after getting bath. I take my meal and then sitting in the verandah I smoke and make accounts of life. I have no abundant dream. A little colorful life like light wind of the evening and feather of bird. Then I think very much to float in the air. I wish to sit by the side of Helen and talk with her. But I can not do that. My wife after completing her work comes to me and we go to sleep. The full moon then spreads light in the nature. Helen is sitting in front of her door of the small room alone. Her husband is then in deep sleep inside the room. Since we live side by side we hear the sound of breathe each other. This is the only consolation of life.

On one break day I came to the residence after loitering outside and found a very noisy situation. My wife Malatilata told me that Jamal Bhai has been an accident while he was going to his village home. Helen was crying very much. There was none to take her there to the place. I wished very much to tell that I can take her. But out of fear of Malatilata I could not tell anything like that. I also wished to tell something with Helen. But I could not find out as to what to tell. I was never been learnt to talk in such disaster. In fact many things remain out of our learning. The world is an education place which not complete.

Malatilata at last made a solution of the problem. She searched it out. She came to me and requested to take Helen to the place of accident. I was wishing like that, as if in spite of unwillingness I became agreed. Within a short time we went out. We started going in the same rickshaw sitting side by side. Only the necessary matter we talked in the rickshaw. We did not talk much. Without any call to each other we talked. In fact I can’t remember the topics on which we talked first. I can not tell which one of us talked first. The matter was held without our full sense. This was my first meaningful travel in my life. All other travels of my life were negligible to me on that day.

We reached the hospital where Jamal Bhai were kept while it was midnight. He was senseless then. Helen remained sitting on his bed near his head. Tears were coming out of her eyes. I was seeing the sad moment without any feelings. I could not understand whether I should lament for this or not. I stood there for long time and then came to veranda. It was full moon then. The dazzling moon was floating in the sky. I wished very much to fly. It would have been nice if men could fly.

Night became late. I don’t know why my hunger and thirst were out of me. Moreover a different type gloominess has rushed upon me. In fact I can not tell that I was in rest and at the same time it can not be told that I was restless. Practically I was in the line of thin border of life and death, on which a diminishing dot gradually been wiped out to the endless destination. Suddenly Helen came and stood by my side. I did not surprised much. This was the first time that Helen directly told me something clearly. With clear voice she asked me –

Will you eat something? I think you are very much hungry.

I answered-

Will you eat? I am bringing some food.

Nothing much. Yet something will have to be taken. We shall have to be here all the night. There is no space here to sleep. Doctor is unable to tell when sense of your brother will come.

Let me go. If I can arrange something.

I came out of the hospital. I don’t know what will be available here. I searched and found a shop of bread and banana. I purchased something from there to eat night and in the morning. I have never dreamt of such simple arrangement in my life first.

I wished to eat Chinese with Helen. But now it is only bread and banana. Men can not understand the limit of the creator and I am conductor, negligible than cockroach.

Under the abundant white moonlight a gloomy night  though was very negligible to endless period but in that I was feeling within me a heavenly sorrow. I thought that if the night is prolonged endlessly then I shall have to take decision like death. In fact then I wanted a dazzling light. After this restless night we two shall walk on the first light of the with bare foot. Then Jamal Bhai might have to die. But I don’t want his death. The innocent man he is. Let him be survived.

Never any night is endless. No day also is endless. In the dawn Jamal Bhai came to sense. Helen came to the veranda, informed me and went to the room. I walked slowly to the side of the bed. He became surprised to see me. He burst into cry. Tears came out endlessly. I also cried truly. At the end of that melancholy night some dried stone pieces of the hospital floor became wet with the tears of a very negligible conductor. When dawn light appeared then I became ready to go. Being ready was nothing mention-able. It was only a mental preparation. In fact I should have gone from there. I gave some money to Helen and came out to the road. Throwing two persons in hands of luck when I was going then I thought that the world is actually like this. None can bear the load of sorrow of others for long time. I was also being unable. I am not out of this count. However the news of accident of Jamal Bhai meanwhile reached to his relations and they are coming to the place.

After reaching Dhaka I felt my body a little light. It was like that something has been lost and this was feeling of no attraction to anything. I was not being unable to find out the problem in me. I don’t believe in love. I believe in time and in practicality. I depend on necessity. I fulfilled my demand. I dream to float in the air. I want to fly. I am a bit selfish in type. In fact my honesty is my selfishness. I have no mention-able desire in life. I give so much I can give and if unable I move from there. I have never felt any greed in me. I am never been much attacked with not getting the desired.

Jamal Bhai became recovered and returned. Helen goes to her own way of life. She takes hand of disabled Jamal Bhai and goes to the work place. I saw it. I like it much. My own sorrow becomes more negligible. I laugh an absent minded laugh. The world is peculiar place. Everything happen here.

One day suddenly Helen came to my residence. I was smoking. I hide it seeing her. She mentioned me telling-

Can I sit here for a moment?

Yes. Why not. No permission is needed to sit. Where is Jamal Bhai Bhai?

Gone to a friend’s house. I was feeling lonely. So I came here to talk with you.

But before that I tell you something. I like you. It is not safe to talk much with me.

I know.

How could you?

The girls can understand many things.

Is it? I did not know that the girls know so much. If I would know then I would not like for fear of being identified.

Nothing to fear. But no hope there is. I never see any dream connecting you.

But you like me.

I don’t know. Here you see some water ( she pointed to the water jug). This is comprised of two things. One is oxygen and another is hydrogen and when they mix then it becomes water. But there are some conditions. It needs proper heat and proper pressure and also a proper environment and then water will be formed. In the language of science water is called H2O In one side H and in another side O and in the middle 2. I am the H and you are O If we were two then it would be good. But there is a 2 in the middle. This two is the two of us. I think you have understood.

Yes I could.

Then let me go.

Come again.

In this way the day passed and night comes. Complying the rules of the world there comes the dark and there comes the full moon with abundant light. Everything goes in its own way. In my head there is the love and that story of water. I started to believe in love. Love is a matter of belief.

Then It was the rainy season. Sudden rain was abundant. One day it was a heavy shower. I saw Helen is coming. I remembered the love and the story of water. I plucked a green leaf from the side of the road and spread it by two hands. Within a short time the middle of the leaf filled in with the water from the sky. By this time Helen came in my front. She had no umbrella and she was showered with rain water. I advanced the clean water of the leaf towards her. A little sweet smile appeared in the corner of lips of Helen.